By Alessandro Carosi
I remember that period when just moved to New Zealand by myself and took some time to think about my feelings for my ex-girlfriend that in the meantime went to Canada,it was a tough time for me,mostly emotionally,i guess being on my own after many years in relationship and being on my own in a cloudy and raining city like Auckland wasn’t the best,i felt lonely,afraid,i didn’t have anyone except myself,it was hard,every day i felt deeply sad,grief,hopeless,i tried to fill up this emptiness with sex and alcohol that would help me as long i had it but would feel even worst the day after.
One day my brother contacted me and told me he would come to live in New Zealand and would take Mum with him to live with us for few months,that few months became 6 at the end,i thought my life was getting worst and worst,i was desperate to the thought of my brother and my Mum coming to Auckland and live with me,but……..they saved my life,i realized it years later,their coming in my life filled up that emptiness and sadness without realizing it,and set off other events that slowly changed my life in better,now 8 years later i thank God for sending me my brother to New Zealand.
My life was slightly better since they arrived but i was still feel sad and hopeless the most of the time,then………..i met someone and everything changed.
Some people believe that Life like to surprise us making us meeting the best people in the most unexpected way,what i believe is that we meet the best people only when we feel at our best,when i met this girl i was having a great period,my sadness,anxiety,hopeless gave me a break and i was feeling calm and in peace,that’s when i met this amazing Chinese girl,she came into my life and changed me energetically,she recharged me,she is one of the best human being i ever met and she has a power, a power with her only presence to lift people feelings,she was and even if now she is with someone else she is my guardian angel.
That night i had no plan to hook up girls,i was with a good friend met in Australia and we were drinking remembering the good time spend in Bundaberg,at midnight pubs started to close and we wanted keep drinking,the only bar open,free entry and cheap drinks was on K’rd,Family bar was the most popular gay bar in Auckland,who cares,drinks was cheap,the bar was full,the music great and a lot of guys staring at me and even if i like girls i can’t deny that the feeling to be liked so much was quite nice,we were dancing when i saw this girl,she was beautiful but cause the bar was a lesbian bar too i thought she might be lesbian so i dropped the idea to approach her,after a while i noticed she was looking at me so i thought that maybe she wasn’t,i made a move but when closed to her one of her friends came between us and asked me if i was gay,i told him i wasn’t so he said,my friend thinks you are hot,oh well that was a good start,i got closer to her and told her she was really beautiful,we were drunk and after few minutes we were already kissing,at the end of the night i asked her if i could go to her place but she told me i couldn’t cause she had to wake up early to go to work.
Everything started that night,we became to see each other once a week where we would go party,drink and having sex,no feeling attachment or at least what we thought,something i noticed straight away was the fact that being around her was making me feel emotionally better,only being next to her or in the same room she was i would feel lighter,my sadness,hopelessness gone,like she had some sort of energy that would push it away and now i believe she has it.
Slowly i began to love her personality,she was always happy,smiling all the time,always full of energy,i remember one time she left for a month,i missed her a lot but i couldn’t tell how much i liked her cause i was sure she wanted just to play around and i didn’t wanna ruin the great sex we had.
One day at work i remember making a story in my mind where me and her were lying on bed at my house and telling something like we were special friends and her saying,Alex……..we are more then special friends,that thought made me feel better and in good mood even if i knew she would never say that.
A saturday afternoon were i was really horny and she was at work not capable to control myself i contacted a prostitute,she was expensive but i was too horny,it was raining but i didn’t care,i got the bus got where she lived,had sex,paid and after feeling a completely idiot for so much money lost for 20 minutes of rubbish sex,i left the house sad,disappointed and upset about myself,how stupid i was,i was feeling miserable,i needed someone to be with,i didn’t wanna be alone,i knew she finished work at that time,i called her and met at my house,i had a couple of bottle of wine and we drunk it,we moved in my room and had sex,we were lying on my bed and without thinking about it i said we were special friends……….and when she replied,Alex……we are more then special friends my heart stopped,what just happened was exactly what i imagined at work a week earlier,i couldn’t explain how was possible maybe just a coincidence,i didn’t want to think about it too much i was too happy for what she said,maybe she had feeling for me too,i couldn’t be sure and afraid to tell her what i felt,but one night drugs did it for me,i was supposed to date a girl,she was waiting for me in a bar on K’rd,i was excited about meet her but when i arrived the unexpected happened,the girl i was supposed to date was chatting with a girl i had sex in the past and i had some issue,i was screwed,if i would show up she would tell the worst about me to her friend so i walked back home and send a msg saying i got sick and couldn’t make it,i was so upset so i decided to calm down smoking marijuana,normally it would knock me down and i would not even move a finger but that night it had a strange effect,it made me sad,depressed and started to think about the Chinese girl i felt in love,i decided i would meet her that night and tell her i was in love with her and we couldn’t see each other anymore cause i knew she didn’t care about me,i called her and asked to meet,it was 2am in the morning but she was awake and let me go to her place,i will never forget that night,we were in the kitchen,the lights was off and very dark,i told her what i felt and i didn’t want to see her anymore,i would never expect a similar reaction,she started to cry so much,she took my shirt holding me there to don’t let me go,she put her face on my chest crying and asking me to don’t leave,i never saw her like this,she always had this strong happy personality,she was there desperate at the thought she would lose me,i couldn’t image that,i thought she didn’t care,she wanted have just sex,funny was she thought the same about me,we spend 6 months just having sex worry to lose each other if we would tell our feelings,life is so strange.
Unfortunately our story didn’t have a happy ending and as usual because of me,because my weak personality,my permanent indecision about what i want and don’t want,my stupidity,she loved me so much,she was the only one to know everything about me,absolutely everything,still she loved me,then i met this Korean girl and i screwed up everything even more,i left this Chinese girl for the Korean girl but after few months i realized i had nothing in common so i decided to go back to my ex,the Korean girl was broken heart,she left New Zealand cause she thought i would never love her,then i left the Chinese girl to go back with the Korean girl so i broke an other heart and at finally because Karma does exist i screwed up myself and i had to live New Zealand and moved to London,i screwed up everything i could,people around me,family,myself,i deserved it and those 4 years in London taught me a lot and at finally learned things about life that i should learn long time ago but not everyone are fast learning,someone takes longer,this is my case.
In London i thought a lot about this wonderful Chinese girl i have been so lucky to meet and wanted to get back together but i realized that even if she would take me back she didn’t deserve someone like me.
A year passed by and couldn’t find any girl to start a relationship,every now on i would think about her but never contacted,one day out of blue i received a msg on facebook from her telling me she couldn’t renew her New Zeland visa and she had to go back to China,the family had a plan to open a tea shop in London run by her and the sister that in the past studied in London,i couldn’t believe it,the universe was trying to give me a second chance? i thought so especially when she told me she was looking for a space in my area,she needed some help from me about business plans ideas for an interview with the British embassy in China,if the business plan was good enough they would grant her a business visa,i gave her some advice and agreed to keep in touch to know if she would get the visa,she never contacted me again and never replied to my msgs,i thought she just used me and was ok,i deserved it,i deserved even more then that.
Months later when at finally i moved on with my life here again a msg from her,she was in London and wanted to see me,i didn’t know what to do,i should meet her or not,what i could tell her or how i should behave,they were useless thought and the only way to find out was to go to see her,we met in Chinatown,when i saw her was like time never passed by,i felt comfortable like when we were together and i could still feeling that good energy from her,we spend all day chatting about our lives,i missed her a lot and even i thought to ask her to get back together,i dropped the idea,i felt it not right,it was night late and she left,walking back home my mind was everywhere,what all of this meant,which was the reason for her to come to London? why between all the suburbs the one where i live? God gave me a second chance that i missed? i couldn’t find an answer,i decided i should stop thinking about it and when she would open her business if was meant to be it would be.
I messaged her few times to know if she found the location but never got any reply but God wasn’t done with me or maybe the karma wasn’t ,a day talking on skipe with a good Japanese friend from New Zealand that knew her asked me if i went to see her shop in Cambridge,what?? Cambridge?? i told him i knew it would be in London but apparently at the last minute someone suggested her this good space opportunity in Cambridge bigger and cheaper then in London and she liked it,i had to go but it was a good idea? it was my second chance?i didn’t know,the only thing i knew was that i was just good to mess up with everything,so……fuck it,i decided i would not go,but like always after few months here again the doubts coming up in my mind,maybe she still love me,maybe not,if i don’t go to see her i will never know,thinking about all of this i had this idea to check if maybe she was in an online dating website i was using,i put Cambridge in the search engine and started to scroll down all the Asian girls in Cambridge,i spend maybe half n hour but nothing and when i almost gave up her profile came up,here we are,apparently she was still single,decided it was my opportunity,i would surprise her,the week after i went to Cambridge,it was morning early and she just opened the shop,i got inside and when she saw me time stopped like in a movie,she was so surprised to see me,i told her everything and she asked me the right question,why me?? why you didn’t go to Korea and try to get back with that Korean girl? i told her,at finally i understood how great she was,Karma wasn’t done with me,she asked me if i remembered which day was it,is saturday i said,no she said,is my birthday today and like in the worst soap operas her new boyfriend came in with a bunch of red roses wished her happy birthday and looked at me like to say,who the fuck you are,i never felt worst,i wanted disappeared,i wanted delete that moment and replay it again differently,it doesn’t work like this in real life,i wished her happy birthday and left as quick as possible,i cried all morning for my stupidity,for my false hope about get back together but why cry,no,i shouldn’t,i should be happy for her cause i was the one to ruin her happiness in the first place and i was so selfish to think about a happy ending after all i done to her,no,i deserved it,it was my lesson to learn and she deserved a real man and not a big kid like me.
Recently she had a baby and i heard she is really happy,apparently the business going pretty well too,it happen to meet by coincidence some people from Cambridge here in London sometime and they all knew her shop,i’m really happy for her,she is a wonderful person and deserved the very best from life,i was lucky enough to share some amazing time with her in New Zealand and she is part of my best memories,maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life forever,maybe she was meant to take me only until my next stage in life and leave space for someone else,at the moment i can’t know it but i know she was and she is special and she will be forever in my mind and in my heart.