By Alessandro Carosi
The biggest question in the Humans history have always been if we have free will or everything is already written, so many theories about it but few that I feel resonate within myself, one is that we write our future in the present moment, how we feel right now will create the future, all the possible scenarios are already decided but our feelings dictate which one we gonna pick, the other is that we have two written lives, a good and a bad, same as in the other theory our feelings will redirect us to one or the other.
They are fascinating ideas that at times from personal experiences proved to be real, I was back home for New Year Eve visiting my Mother that recently had a heart attack, my relationship with her is complicated and I don’t enjoy her company, don’t misunderstand me, I do respect her for all she done to give me a good education and a decent life but there is no connection, I don’t feel any emotional connection and over the years living abroad I begun to feel that our relationship was just of people that used to know and lived together for a while, I would love to feel that attachment that some kids has for their mothers but I don’ t have it, her life wasn’t easy and after my father died she worked so hard to provide me all I needed, still we grew up apart living together, we never had a conversation and when we had one there was nothing I was interested about, this feeling to live with a stranger grew stronger over the years and after I left 13 years ago even more.
She still to be someone that looked after me and I feel I own her something and that’s why I went back home to give her some company and friendship, as I said wasn’t easy and meditation helped me to overcome those stressful emotions trying to figure out my life, a day I was into a deep meditative state I prayed for my father to give me some answers, after coming out of it I felt almost compelled to take some pics of him in the frames hanging on the wall and send them to some friends and my brother, I don’t know what was supposed to be but I followed my inner guidance, this Man called Carosi Primo left Italy at 17 years old soon after the second world war to find a better life in Venezuela, he worked hard and opened a Cafe, then life decided a different future for him, he went back to Italy to visit his father that in the meantime after an accident working ended up living on a wheelchair, in Italy he met my mother, fell in Love and never went back to South America, he opened a restaurant and for many years he cooked for the Hungry people of San Benedetto Del Tronto, his sister got cancer and after the therapy she seemed fully healed, he bought a Stationary business for her so that she could start over but sadly the cancer come back and she died, my name Alessandro is in her honour.
My father sold the restaurant to look after the Stationary shop, I think he thought he could have more time to spend with his new born baby but life wasn’t done with him or his family, a friend betrayed him and left my father with a huge amount of Debts to pay, way too many and the stress to have to deal with such a situation slowly made him sick and died when I was 10 years old, since then life become a hell, my mother from housewife had to start to look after the family business and pay those debts otherwise the bank would take the house and the shop, she didn’t even know to have it, my father never told her, it was a horrible time for us, my mother did her best but wasn’t easy, my brother and my mental health paid a huge price for all that mess, at some point my Mother called a psychiatrist to come with some Nurses to take me to a hospital, when they come I run away but they caught me on the street and in front of some friends and people trying to figure out what was going on they forced me inside the car with me screaming grabbing the door with all my energy to don’t let me take away, after so much fighting I gave up and they took me to a hospital in Aquila a town over a hour from San Benedetto, life was a hell and I tried to commit suicide but after few hours trying to convince myself to jump the bridge I drove back home, life had to change, I tried to find an alternative medication for my anxiety and depression and left Italy, the last 13 years have been the most beautiful I ever had, I lived in so many countries, had wonderful adventures, met so many great people and……..I become a Barista, a job I love.
It happened by…… ”coincidence” but cause I don’t believe in coincidences I know that it had to happen.
What is funny is that I always had a bad relationship with caffeine, I always drunk too much reason of my anxiety and mood swing, my body doesn’t handle it well but at the end it become the reason why I have been able to live in so many countries and earning a good living, from studying to become a mechanic then working in a fire alarm factory and with my Mum in the shop I become a barista like my father was.
My brother after years working in a supermarket decided to follow my footsteps and leave Italy, I advised him to learn something that would make easier to find a job and recommended to learn how to make coffee or maybe Pizza, he chose the pizza option and now he is so passionate about it that spent nights researching for new recipes and improve, he is now a Pizza Chef and same as me thanks to his new skill he was able to work and live in so many countries.
We are back to the beginning of this story, it seems obvious that that was the life path my brother and me had to take to lead us to something greater then we thought we were fated, the path ahead is unclear but I feel that the skill we learned are meant to be used for something more then just making money, I feel there is a bigger picture that we aren’t allowed to see but if we follow our dreams even if scary we will be always redirected on the right life path and from there uplifting our lives and the lives of the people we meet.
I will leave you with this symbol and something I read last night from a Blogger called Gianluca Gotto that I felt was meant to be for me
This Zen symbol is called Enso
Every beginning is an end, every end is a new beginning
Because in reality there is no “beginning” and there is no “end”.
They are just words, inventions that are the result of our presumption, That evening while I was looking out the window of the bus and lost myself in the landscape that flowed in front of me, I listened to the music on my headphones, I love music and I love listening to it even more on the road, I remember “Stairway to heaven” started, one of the most beautiful songs in the history of mankind, I had listened to it a thousand times, but that night I “heard” it, Not just with my ears, but with my heart and soul, For the first time I paid attention to the lyrics and the ending, when Jimmy Page’s solo became an expression of the divine in each of us, I realized that I was not listening to it by chance, It was a signal from the Universe, Some of the words in that text resonated within me:
“And if you listen very carefully The melody will come to you too All is One and One is All Being a stone and not rolling.”
The melody had come to me too, Led Zeppelin said it, Tiziano Terzani masterfully explained it, the most ancient religions profess it:
everything is one.
And science decrees it too:
nothing is created, nothing is destroyed, everything is transformed.
No beginning, no end.
The change is cyclical, and is governed by a perfect balance: opposites are not in conflict, but in harmony with each other, We see cracks where there are none, we invent conflicts where there is only harmony, In that “stone that does not roll” that is the All, there are no conflicts except those that our mind invents.
That same night I discovered this Zen symbol, It’s called Enso and it indicates everything I understood.
The cyclicality of life.
Infinity and nothingness.
The Universe and the void.
Night that becomes day that becomes night.
The black that becomes white that becomes black.
The beginning that becomes end that becomes beginning.
The interconnection and co-existence between every single element.
From that time in Thailand, I saw this symbol everywhere: books, restaurants, temples, even tattooed on the skin of the people I met, I like to consider it a little sign of the Universe, as the right song at the right time, A signal to remind me not to find conflicts where there are none, but to abandon myself to the eternal flow of which we are all part.
So you feel at home wherever you are.
So you find peace.
All is one, And one is all