Memories from a broken mind

By Alessandro Carosi

It was a nice morning in Italy and I was getting ready to go training with my basketball team, I was 14 years old and for four years I was struggling with my own demons, my father died when I was 10 years old and the night he fell on the ground outside my shop upset with me for not helping closing got him angry and trying to kick my bycicle he fell on the ground losing consciousness, so far from what I can remember was the last time seeing him, he died few months later, can’t remember cause a lot of memories are gone maybe the way brain works to protect us from pain.

Basketball was the only thing giving me a reason to live and the only friend I had, I was alone and lonely all the time unable to make friends, what happened to my father was enough to mess up with my emotions and Psychology and since then I made my Mother life a hell not that she was in heaven, she was a housewife, my Father death left her with a lot of debts she didn’t know to have, my Father put a signature as guarantor for a friend to be able to start a business and when his friend went bankrupt and didn’t pay off the debts the bank demanded my father to pay, after his death they demanded that from my mother.

I used to steal a lot of money to use it for the other things that would fight my loneliness, video games, at home I would do the weirdest things like peeing on the carpet for no reason and so on.

We are back to that morning, why I’m writing about this, I was reading a book “la vegetariana” by Han Kang and in a chapter the main caracther that went crazy and stopped eating was taken by the nurses by force trying to inject food in her veins, it reminded me of that morning, a car arrived and someone rang the bell, I didn’t know who they was but I knew, I felt something was wrong, something bad was going to happen to me, I live at the ground floor so I jumped from the balcony and run away to the gym, I was about to get inside for the morning training and my teammates outside waiting as well when the people that come home found me, my Mum told them where I was, two of them took me by force trying to get me inside the car, screaming and holding the door I resisted with all my teammates staring to what was happening, no one did one damn thing, no one on the street coming to help me, no one did fucking nothing I was left alone with those two people forcing me to get inside the car, I knew what they wanted, they wanted to take me to a mental institute, my mother tried that few time in the past hopefully I would accept voluntary but this time she chose the tough way, I resisted as much I could, I don’t know how long I was there fighting, screaming at some point they got me in and the car took me straight to Aquila to a mental institute for young people, that was the worst thing ever happend to my life and my broken mind was completely shattered and disintegrated, it cost me many many years of life struggles that I don’t even know if I ever recovered.

I forgive all of them, I forgive myself, I forgive life and God that allowed this but I can’t deny the pain is huge everytime something trigger the memories.

I need to focus to Love now, the present and do all my best to enrich and empower other people lives.